Rarified Air

My college roommate/teammate/seemingly life-long friend (Whitey) recently reminded me of a story that occurred in 1976, forty-eight years ago! A story I have shared countless times throughout the years with anyone who would listen.  Although unrelated to golf, the story is a deserving contribution to our Bad Golf Guy memoirs.

Winding down my final season as a member of Lebanon Valley College’s Flying Dutchmen basketball team, my teammates and I were hosting the vaulted Gettysburg College Bullets at Lynch Gymnasium.  Gettysburg College was in the driver seat of the MAC Northern Division. 

An inspired band of Dutchmen had the Bullets on the ropes with three ticks of the clock remaining in regulation.  With the ball; all that was required was an in-bounds pass to a like colored jersey, or better yet, a heave of the ball to mid-court to wind down the clock.  To the dismay of the Dutchmen faithful, our center passed the ball to a Gettysburg player underneath the Gettysburg basket, resulting in a devastating one-point loss.

To this day, it is not uncommon for my college roommate/teammate/seemingly life-long friend (Whitey) and I to recount the gory details of the “Calamity at Lynch” several times a year.

The real story begins after warmups and prior to the start of this very game as the Dutchmen returned to our locker room to receive our last-minute instructions and defensive assignments from Coach Fran Satalin.

Prior to settling into our pre-game huddle, I made a quick dash to my locker to retrieve my wristbands. Sitting in the same section of the locker room was a teammate who had just competed in a decisive loss for our Junior Varsity team.  My teammate, whose name will remain anonymous, was oddly chipper post drubbing. 

Needing to get to our pre-game huddle, I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to ask the unnamed player about his sunny disposition.  The unnamed player puffed out his chest and stated that he had just scored his 1,000^th point.  I paused, ran a few quick calculations through my noggin, attempting to decipher the validity of the claim.  Could he have possibly scored 1,000 points in his three-year Junior Varsity career?  Unable to make the math work, I challenged his proclamation, suggesting the following; “Wait, wait just a minute, I’ve watched you play for the past three years and I find it very unlikely that you have scored 1,000 points in your collegiate Junior Varsity career.”  The unnamed player responded, and I quote; “No, no, not in my collegiate Junior Varsity career, since third grade!” My eyeballs grew to saucer size as I immediately turned and made a beeline for our pre-game huddle.

It should be no surprise that the unnamed played was a high honors Actuarial Science major.

Assumptions:

• Thirteen Seasons (Grade Three-Junior Year in College)
• 15 Games Per Season/195 Total Games

Points Per Game:

• 5.1282051

Have You Heard the One About:

• There are two actuaries hunting ducks. They see a duck in the air and they both simultaneously fire their riffles. The first actuary’s shot is 20 feet wide to the left.  The second actuary’s shot is 20 feet wide to the right. The actuaries give each other a high five, because on average they shot the duck!
• What is the difference between an introverted actuary and an extroverted actuary? An introverted actuary stares at his own feet during a conversation. An extroverted actuary stares at the other person’s feet during a conversation!

Truth be told, I am a bit jealous. It took me three semesters of accumulated grade points to match the unnamed players grade point average during one semester!

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