Functionality

Over the past ten to fifteen years, I have noticed subtle/gradual “functionality” changes…nothing dramatic however the sum total of the years and corresponding changes has certainly caught my attention.

The changes have been self-observed; no one in my formative years gave me a heads-up regarding the new landscape. As I recall, there were no self-help books titled: “I Didn’t See This Coming” or “Things You Need to Know”. The information would have been helpful however, the down side may have been a constant state of depression!

Well anyway, here are a few examples/observations of those changes as well as a few life events:

• The need for artificial parts
• The “prep” for multiple colonoscopy’s
• Being able to run like the wind as compared to barely being able to get out of my Barcalounger
• 125 yards to the flag; what use to be a sand wedge, now a nine iron (depending on the wind)
• Not being able to remember a name in the midst of a conversation and said name coming to mind nanoseconds after the conversation has ended.
• Hair loss. I should have seen this one coming based on my father and my uncle’s performance. One question; why did my brother get the hair gene?
• Lack of sleep even with the help of modern science
• Daily aches and pains that differ from the aches and pains of the previous day
• Trifocal lenses. Talk about confusing
• Having the words “Excuse me, please repeat what you said” as a component of every conversation.
• Being called Sir everywhere I go. When did I become a Sir? I would like to think I don’t act like a Sir.
• Complete lack of tolerance for anything resembling “bs”. I am actually comfortable with this life modification.
• The Tampa Bay Rays unloading their entire roster including a few concessions stand workers for a player to be named later. Most notable Evan Longoria to the San Francisco Giants!
• And then there’s the prostate. For those with a weak stomach, please proceed cautiously to the next paragraph.

Growing up (circa 1960’s-1970’s) it was not uncommon for cigarette butts to accumulate in the drain of a urinal. I made a game of separating the tobacco from the filter of a butt (or multiple butts). I am so thankful restaurants/bars banned smoking a decade or two ago. Now, on a typical evening, there is a minimum of three trips to the bathroom. No wonder sleep is such a challenge. Finally…I recently attended a high school basketball game and experienced the embarrassment of three teenagers (one after another) finishing their business before I was able to wrap things up!

Ok, ok, so where am I going with this? The above examples and observations are mere child’s play compared to the most horrific milestone/event/change as described by Sam Snead to Jim Dodson, detailed in Jim Dodson’s book The Range Bucket List:

“Sixty is the most dangerous age for a lifelong golfer because that’s when something happens; sudden injuries, illness or loss of interest fueled by precipitously declining skills and loss of power…and your mortality is on display for all to see. Sixty is when most good golfers become weekend duffers. Sad to say and worse to see. But it’s damned true”.

Needless to say, this is big news and truly a life changing event. I knew that I was going to have to need to hit a rescue and maybe a three wood off the deck, but not this! Wheel me straight to the Assisted Care Facility as I am well beyond pledging this fraternity.

The back nine can only get better!